Tag Archive | beauty

I am the rock – starting today ~!

snowflake

I will do this on my own, I can’t ask for help, because I did this all to myself, so I am the one fixing it. Starting today I will be the rock I need to be ~!

I was attractive once. I felt beautiful and sexy. Not right now. I let myself go and there is nobody else to blame than me. I am only 50 years old and feel like my life is over. I cried when I took the pictures. People cry on funerals, so I guess it’s alright. I buried the old me today.

I went to my doctor first thing in the morning. Got my blood results, went on the scale (250/ 5’8) and before he could give me a speech I told him to “zip it”. I told him what I am going to do and I have his approval.

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Sorry it’s not pretty, but it is me. No more wide shirts to cover up the mess. No more sugar coating!

Look at me…look at my picture. I did that to myself. You see the dog in the pic. I can’t walk her right now. I don’t have the energy to carry myself and all that extra weight around. I bought a treadmill today. It is going to be delivered tomorrow. I WILL walk on that thing. I will start slowly, but will walk 1 mile every day…even if it will take hours.

I want to have a healthy weight and I will do everything I can, to make it happen. Food is not my friend. I used food to cover up my emotions. I feel lonely. We just moved here one year ago and I haven’t made any friends yet. So I ate, food became my best friend. Chocolate, carbs, bread, butter. I love to cook, eat during cooking. Then I sit in my chair and read or watch TV. Drink too much wine to numb myself more. It’s not that I need it. I don’t even know why I do it. Did it make me feel good? Not really. I felt always guilty, but avoided the ugly truth. Wider shirts, elastic pants, bigger jackets…I am a master in disguise.

Not anymore. The old me is gone, the new me was born today.

I am not going on diet, I am starting a new, healthy life today. I have to deal with my past, the dark shadows of my childhood. Child abuse, not sexual, but physical and verbally, I never talked about it, kept it bottled up for 40 years. I have to let it go, maybe writing about it will help.

I am sick and I assume my unhealthy lifestyle has a lot to do with it. Autoimmune disorder, so they say. Looks like Rheumatoid Arthritis. My joints are hurting, some are swollen. Walking is not easy, when you are that heavy. I am out of shape, feel old and ugly. How could I let this happen?

Doctors don’t have the answers, maybe I do. At least I will try, this is my life, my body~!

They put me on steroids. Guess what? I gained more weight, that’s an evil medication. They put me on Plaquenil, don’t like it either. I read so much lately. “You are what you eat” and I am sick and unhealthy, because of what I ate and how much I ate. I want to be off the meds, want to heal my guts.

“Your body is a temple” I remember it, it rings a bell! Mine is not a temple, I didn’t treat it nice. I have never been nice to myself. Time to change it.

They say there is no special snowflake. I tell you there is, or will be. I am going to be a special snowflake. I will break out of the routine I am stuck in and will change me and it won’t start tomorrow, it starts today!

This is my first post of many to come to a healthier, new me ~!

This is my answer to today’s Daily Prompt I AM THE ROCK

6/11/2015   Weight: 250

Day: 1

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